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Hurt People hurt Other People

Have you ever experienced hurt by another person?

Of course you have.

Ever wonder why or what to do about it?

 

I invite you to read on as I discuss the concept of “hurt people hurt other people” as an insightful exploration potentially of the source of your pain (including why there may be addiction in your life), understanding the people behind your hurt, and what you can to do about.

 

Why.

Every human being has experienced a level of hurt. It can range from being spoken to in a belittling way, being betrayed by a friend to…divorce, adultery, sexual/emotional/sexual abuse, loss, a car accident, trauma.

It could of been your father. It may be your mother. Maybe it was a boss, a brother, a sister, a uncle. Maybe it was your best friend. Or a stranger.

But who is the real enemy?  In the case of abuse towards women or children, it can be easy to point an angry finger to men. Or in the case of a broken family, it can be easy to point to the mother that cheated on her husband. Maybe it’s that abuser…

Above that, what’s most curious is…why the sick cycle repeats again-- Why does someone who grew up being controlled and verbally/emotionally abused, act controlling towards others and their own children? Why do the sexually abused abuse others? Why do children of divorce divorce themselves? Why do children of violent alcoholics inflict angry violence towards their own children? Why are people addicted to porn, drugs, sex, dsyfunctional relationships…?

You would think that those that experience hurt, especially on such a deep level, would not want to inflict the same type of hurt to others.

It doesn’t seem to make sense…

…Oh, but at the same time, it totally does make sense…  More…

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Healing Father Wounds: Part 4

With nearly 24 Million children in the US living without their biological fathers…with this fatherless generation, Father’s Day can be quite bittersweet for a lot of us.

…But there is a way where there seems to be no way.

We CAN have a father. A perfect father. The father we never had.

…Yes, our Heavenly Father can be everything we need and want and…more.

Is it too good to be true? What would it be like to have this type of relationship?  Can this Heavenly Father be ‘Daddy God’– as present, as satisfying, as powerful as a physical man..an earthly father?

I would say the answer is…yes.

Yes. As much as it hurt to have a father…that was never there, or a father…who abused verbally, physically or sexually, or a father…who didn’t quite give the affirmation you need growing up, or a father…who wasn’t perfect. (because no man is) –God can meet that need. He can fill the void.

To pursue healing is to pursue the healing of your heart. To recognize your father was to play a role to protect, provide, lead, guide, speak affirmation and strength into us, tell little boys they have “what it takes” and little girls that they are indeed beautiful…and to heal from all the damage that may of occurred everywhere he fell short.

To heal from those father wounds, every way your father fell short of perfectly providing for your spiritual, emotional, physical needs, is absolutely a multi-layer, multi-step process.

There’s no formula for what this process is like. It may require understanding and truly choosing forgiveness , uncovering the ‘root issues’ behind why certain things trigger reaction and addiction in us and identifying the lies that hurtful actions and words have said about our identity and self-worth and the harmful ‘inner vows’ we make ourselves…

More…

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Healing Father Wounds: Part 3

Sometimes past hurtful actions and words from those in our lives speak volumes about our self-worth and our identity. They place us in the position where we naturally make ’inner vows,’ conclusions in our hearts to keep from hurting again…

Maybe it was a series of men in your life that led you on and now you… expect rejection. Maybe your father left and had another family and now you…concluded that you weren’t good enough and that’s why you’ve been ‘replaced.’

Maybe you grew up with that feeling that you aren’t smart enough, beautiful enough, accomplished enough…not enough.

 

And sometimes it’s not just actions–it’s overt words that were spoken. Maybe a mother saying, “You’re just like your father.” Or the ringing words– “you’re stupid…you won’t amount to anything…”

Small or big, people’s actions and words can shape the way we see ourselves and form deep-seated vows and thinking patterns that create default modes of behavior in us…more often than not, unhealthy modes of behavior.

More…

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Healing Father Wounds: Part 2

Everyone has a hidden landmine of hurt that can get triggered at a moment’s notice….and before we know it, we return to old patterns of defensiveness… old thinking…old behaviors, addictions, ways of numbing… coping.

Maybe it was something someone said or did that just rubbed you the wrong way. Maybe something that reminds you of something hurtful someone did to you before…

No doubt, when we have hurtful experiences or experienced hurtful things people have said to us in the past…it can be buried in there and like a hidden explosive device in a landmine field…when triggered, it can cause a reaction. Maybe it’s something you now fear or avoid. Insecurities. Frustration. Impatience. Bad habits.

Once I was stood up by a friend. It was accidental…she didn’t have a cell phone with her and she ended up waiting for me in the wrong place.

I was so angry. Why?, I asked God.

Why does this bother me so much? Why am I so upset?

Then I heard in my spirit, “Because it reminds you of your dad. It reminds you of the many times he stood you up and the times he was late…throughout your entire life.”

In my Introduction to Father Wounds, I wrote about the critical role fathers play in our lives to shape our identity and sense of value and how so many of the ‘symptoms,’ weaknesses, struggles and insecurities we face today…can be traced back to a ‘father wound.’ Father wounds are deep-rooted areas of hurt and pain caused by any and all ways our father may of not perfectly provided, loved or cared for us. In this article, I want to take this discussion one step further beyond what I reviewed in my piece, Healing Father Wounds Part I, to deep dive into this concept of having a landmine of hurt, deep rooted hurts that really impact the way you operate today.

More…

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Healing Father Wounds: Part 1

To recognize there’s deeper issues at play in the things you struggle with…and to face them and seek healing is nothing short of courageous.

In my Introduction to Father Wounds, I wrote about the critical role fathers play in our lives to shape our identity and sense of value and how so many of the ‘symptoms,’ weaknesses, struggles and insecurities we face today…can be traced back to a ‘father wound.’ Father wounds are deep-rooted areas of hurt and pain caused by any and all ways our father may of not perfectly provided, loved or cared for us.

I am following up this introduction with a multi-part series of articles, once a week, on “Healing Father Wounds.” There is no clean cut, perscriptive way to freedom and healing. It’s not very linear, it can be very ‘circular’ and ‘cyclical’ (you may rotate through many different stages) and quite messy! However, my hope is that the revelations, stories and resources I share from my own life can serve as guideposts of inspiration and revelation for your own personal journey of freedom.

More…

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Introduction to Father Wounds

One of the strongest themes (if not the strongest theme) I have ever seen with ‘inner healing’ (the healing of the emotional heart and spirit) is “Father Wounds.” No doubt our fathers are uniquely positioned to impact our lives like none other.

They are to protect, provide, lead, guide, speak affirmation and strength into us, tell little boys they have “what it takes” and little girls that they are indeed beautiful…Their leadership in the home (or lack there of) can literally make or break the family structure and impact the spiritual and emotional health of every member of the family.

And I see it, over and over again.

I see it in my life and so many others. The impact of their absence or the misuse of their authority and critical position can impact our self-image, confidence and security levels, ability to relate to others, our thoughts about our futures…and can be devastating, the root cause for many issues including addictions…sexual addictions, eating disorders, depression, anger, drug abuse, relationship problems…the list goes on and on.

No matter what kind of Dad you had…He wasn’t perfect.

His flaws and shortcomings, the things he failed to do and things he did…impacted you. (Whether you recognize it or not) No physical father can provide all of our needs for protection, provision, affirmation, presence…and everywhere he fell short, creates a “father wound” in our lives– a hole in our heart to fill, a lack, a piercing in our heart or an injury. Something broken, something missing.

Do you just see the symptoms (the things you struggle with on the surface) as having a root of some kind? Have you ever considered that it could be a “father wound”- something your father did or did not do that impacts you even up to today? More…