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Hurt People hurt Other People

Have you ever experienced hurt by another person?

Of course you have.

Ever wonder why or what to do about it?

 

I invite you to read on as I discuss the concept of “hurt people hurt other people” as an insightful exploration potentially of the source of your pain (including why there may be addiction in your life), understanding the people behind your hurt, and what you can to do about.

 

Why.

Every human being has experienced a level of hurt. It can range from being spoken to in a belittling way, being betrayed by a friend to…divorce, adultery, sexual/emotional/sexual abuse, loss, a car accident, trauma.

It could of been your father. It may be your mother. Maybe it was a boss, a brother, a sister, a uncle. Maybe it was your best friend. Or a stranger.

But who is the real enemy?  In the case of abuse towards women or children, it can be easy to point an angry finger to men. Or in the case of a broken family, it can be easy to point to the mother that cheated on her husband. Maybe it’s that abuser…

Above that, what’s most curious is…why the sick cycle repeats again-- Why does someone who grew up being controlled and verbally/emotionally abused, act controlling towards others and their own children? Why do the sexually abused abuse others? Why do children of divorce divorce themselves? Why do children of violent alcoholics inflict angry violence towards their own children? Why are people addicted to porn, drugs, sex, dsyfunctional relationships…?

You would think that those that experience hurt, especially on such a deep level, would not want to inflict the same type of hurt to others.

It doesn’t seem to make sense…

…Oh, but at the same time, it totally does make sense…  More…

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How a man’s porn addiction impacts the woman he loves

Porn addiction for a man can start at a very young age…a strategically bad time to start especially when a boy’s brain and cognitive functioning is in development and when they are forming basic understanding of sexuality.

Most men grew up without a father figure or without a solid guide to help him navigate the extremely challenging terrain of becoming a man and understanding the role and responsibilities that come with that…

Although I don’t know what it’s like to be a man, I write this blog article today because it is been an issue and passion from my heart for many years…from all my school research as well as countless conversations I’ve had with women about this topic. Single women, married women. Divorced women. Although I don’t speak for all women, I know I speak for many.

Behind the relationships these women have had or still have with their man…was a genuine love. Not just by the woman, but definitely by the man.

But something got in the way…

More…

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The Idolatry of Marriage and Family

10.7.12 Journal Blog post about my experience counseling in the inner city (For more context- please refer to Corporate Girl in an Inner City World)

 

The dream of the child of divorce

I saw my client “Lauren” today who has struggled with a long battle with alcoholism—she lost her marriage, her “dream” of that American dream of the marriage, 2 kids, and home,…when her husband got involved in cocaine.

We had a very poignant session where we explored why it made her feel so angry and jealous inside to see her husband divorce her then get remarried, and attain that dream of  hers. Although she clearly knows that her husband had a large portion of responsibility in leading to the divorce, she also blames herself for the marriage and for turning to alcohol to cope during and after it.

As we explored the narrative of rejection in her life, I keyed in to this “dream” that seemed to stir up so much emotion when she would think about it being ‘lost.’

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Man vs. Male

Man, male…same thing, right?

Not according to Pastor Billy Huffman from The City Church.  During a recent retreat, he expounds on the stark difference. (and can’t wait to hear his list for woman vs. female!)

Just because someone is born with the male gender, doesn’t necessarily make him a ‘man.’

Here’s a combination of my notes from his sharing with my thoughts inserted in there. In no way is this a comprehensive list and unfortunately, it’s impossible to capture all his crazy, hilarious stories here but…this was too good not to share.

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When Men Leave

When men leave…it can be devastating.

When they leave their families. When they’re physically present but not emotionally accessible.

When they opt out of stepping up with courage and playing the role that God created them to play…

 

When they do not offer their strength, their leadership and their hearts.

I was sitting at a coffeeshop the other day enjoying what I love the most…savoring a heart-to-heart talk with a good friend.

We talk about life but we talk about…how her husband of 20 plus years has recently left her and her 4 children. Lies. Deception. Broken dreams, broken promises. Broken hearts. Broken lives.

This story is sadly so common.

This is not a vindiction against men. Nor is it the opposite of feminism (helplessness and complete dependence by women and children). And this isn’t just about divorce.

No, I just want to take the opportunity to articulate to you…all men (fathers and fathers-to-be) and the people around them that need you…how much we need you. How important your role is. The impact of your actions. Small and big.

How much we love you and desire you to be everything you were created to be.

…And our heart cry (from women and those you lead) for you to rise up and play your role.

We need you.

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